For Your Eyes, Never
by ShamelessHo
Summary: Ian writes, but never sends, letters to his mother as his relationship with Mickey develops. (Starting after 2#08)
1. Chapter 1

Monica

This feels a little weird. I'm not much of a writer. But I guess I'm writing this because, even after everything, you're really the only other person I can tell this to, even if you won't ever get these.

I feel a bit alone at the moment. I can't talk to Lip. He's going through his own shit at the moment with Karen, and the baby that isn't his. I wouldn't go to Frank if you paid me, even if he would forget. And Fiona? I guess this sort of involves her, so I can't really go to her either.

I think the one person I would normally tell is Mandy, but she doesn't even know about me and Mickey. If she did, she'd probably kick my ass for not telling her before. Or for sleeping with her brother. Or for sleeping with someone else while her brother is locked up because of me.

So that only leaves you and I just have stuff I need to get off my chest. You remember how I told you about Mickey, right? How I'm kind of the reason he went back to juvie? Well I went back to that club you took me to that night, to help me get over him. Turns out you were right. I got picked up really quick. (Apparently, I'm what they call a twink.) And now I'm sort of seeing this guy. He's nice. He's a doctor. But I also found out he's Jimmy's dad. (Oh Jimmy is Steve by the way. That's a long story)

So he's married and has kids. He even said to me that he's not gay. What the fuck? So I don't know what to do. Whether or not to tell Fiona.

And is it weird that I feel bad about Mickey too? I mean, I feel guilty even though he's the one that ended it. I don't know. I guess I love him. (That's the first time I've said that) So it makes sense right? The guilt?

Well. I hope you're back on your meds and doing okay.

Ian.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Monica.

It's been a while. Mickey came back today. He got out early because of overcrowding and he came straight to find me. I fucked him under the bleachers and he told me that he missed me. That means something right?

I mean, he said right after that he only missed me because he "had to do all the fucking in juvie", but I kind of think maybe he was making that up. Maybe it was wishful thinking? I don't know. He seems different somehow. I'm trying to figure it out.

I really missed him so much. I actually thought I was dreaming when I saw him. But he's back. It's a little weird – kind of like none of that shit before Christmas actually happened when he walked out of the store and it felt like he'd cut my fucking heart out. I don't know whether to bring it up or just be grateful for what I've got.

Christ, I sound like such a needy fuck, don't I?

He's coming back to work at the Kash n Grab too, so that's a bonus. I don't think Linda ever had a better security guard to be honest, much as she'd hate to admit at.

Oh and I'm still seeing the doctor. I haven't told Mickey about that yet. I guess we'll see what happens.

Ian


	3. Chapter 3

Monica

So it turns out, Mickey is the jealous type.

He told me he fucks Angie. You remember fat Angie? Lives on Millard? Maybe you don't. Well, she got even bigger since last year. I mean, what the fuck? Who cares if she's fat? She's a _she_. And Mickey said he fucked her. He said he _always_ fucks her. Even Lip thought it was weird. I don't even...

But I called him on it. Well I kind of didn't have a choice when the doctor came into the store. After he left, Mickey kept making old jokes (he's really not _that_ old) so I told Mickey I was just fucking him like he fucks Angie. I don't think he liked that. His face was a picture. It's kind of fun messing with him.

Although I guess that's why he followed us when we went out later. He came over to "talk" to us after and the doctor made the mistake of calling Mickey my boyfriend and Mickey totally went mental and kicked the shit out of him. In the street!

We had to haul ass because someone (NOT the doctor) called the cops. It was a freakin rush! We ended up fucking behind a dumpster. Doesn't sound sexy at all, but we were so full of adrenaline it just totally was.

I guess the fact that he's jealous means he feels something about me right? I mean I'm totally a jealous person. And we all know how I feel about Mickey.

By the way, I am aware that these letters sound more like something a thirteen year old girl would write, but I just can't get my head around him. (No pun intended)

I hope wherever you are, you're still doing okay.

Ian


	4. Chapter 4

Hi Monica

So the cat is definitely out of the bag now. The doctor's wife kicked him out of the house cos she found out he was gay.

It was bit of a nightmare. Only we were all awake. Jimmy was a mess. His dad turned up at our house in the middle of the night, wasted, and tried to get in bed with me. Only it was Lip. And now everyone knows he's sleeping with me.

It's a bit awkward now. To say the least. Not sure what happens now.

Me and Mickey are still fucking, of course. Mainly at work though. We still haven't talked about what happened when he said "done is done." I guess we're past that point now. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it and he _clearly _didn't dwell on it like I did.

And I still haven't let the doctor kiss me. That sounds weird I know, but we've never really done that. It was never an issue before. I mean, while he was still with his wife. But since she dumped him on his ass? He keeps _asking_ me. He keeps asking me if he can, but I don't want him to.

Because of Mickey of course.

Still I guess that means he isn't afraid to kiss me. I think I'll tell Mickey that.

I gotta go.

Ian


	5. Chapter 5

Hey. Me again.

Everything went a bit to shit - literally! - this week when our sewer got backed up on Wednesday and we had to dig up Ginger's bones. Were you still around when Frank buried her in the back yard? Everyone was busy trying to find her.

What else? Oh, Mandy and Mickey got a new sister. Well, brother - another long story - and Jimmy has turned into a fucking head case. He's barely been able to look at me all week - except my crotch. Jesus. And then today Fiona yelled at him apparently and now he's taken off.

Oh, and the doctor asked me to basically go rob his house. He had some stuff there that he wanted back and he told me I could take whatever I wanted while I was there. So I took Mickey and his brother and cousin with me for the extra hands this afternoon.

And you'll never fucking believe it.

Mickey kissed me.

Like properly. Two years that took him. It was short and kinda sweet and he gave me the finger right after but still! I'd like to think it wasn't just because I challenged him (I told him that the doctor isn't afraid, like I said) but that he wanted to.

Not that we got much time to dwell on it or anything because then Jimmy's mom shot Mickey in the ass with a shotgun. Fucking HELL! The doctor came over to fix it and while Mickey's laid out ass-up on our kitchen counter, some bitch from DFS came to take us all away.

Oh yeah. It's been a _hell_ of a week.

Ian


	6. Chapter 6

**Spoiler and trigger warnings in here for mention of rape and homophobia and basically everything to do with episode 3#06**

Mom?

I wish you were really there. Or here. I mean... I guess I wish I had a mom that actually cared.

Still, having no parents is better than having Mickey's dad. And I always thought he was exaggerating.

Fuck.

I can barely breath. Or think of anything. All I can see is his face.

Things were going so well. I mean, not _generally_, not since we got shopped to DFS, but with Mickey.

We had a date for fuck's sake! (He'd never admit it, but he asked me on a date!) He made me food. We were watching movies and... having sex. Not just... fucking. It was different. It was _nice_. I've never seen him so relaxed and... he was happy!

It was almost perfect. I should have known.

His dad came home in the morning and caught us. His fucking Nazi, fascist, homophobic asshole dad. He hit me a bunch of times and Mickey pulled him off me, but then when I tried to run Terry pulled a gun on me and he beat Mickey to a bloody pulp.

All I can think was what if I'd managed to get out of there? Mickey would probably be dead right now.

I thought he was just going to have us shot or something. I mean, I really did think Mickey was just making up how bad his dad was, but he's a fucking hypocrite and a sick motherfucking bastard.

Terry got some woman to come over and... She raped Mickey. Christ.

She raped him.

I still can't believe it. He said she was going to "fuck the gay out of him". Terry made me watch but I couldn't.

I wanted to try and be there for Mickey somehow, but I couldn't look. It was just...

I don't understand how anyone could do that to anyone. To force them to be someone that they're not.

Mickey ended up doing her anyway. To get it over with, I think.

I still don't know how we got out of there in one piece. Mickey won't talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me after. He must have been so humiliated.

I don't know what to do. I don't know... I think Mickey's going to kill Terry now. And I don't think I can stop him. Why would I want to stop him after what that fucker did?

But if Mickey goes to jail again, I think I might die without him.

My hands are shaking.

I miss you. Sometimes. I really do miss you.

Ian.

**A lot of this is** **based on what I ****_want_**** to happen and what I envision happening in the next few episodes. I was upset with how they left us not knowing Ian or Mickey's fate after that scene.**

**Anyway, wanted to get these out before tonight's episode. This has been the longest week of my life!**

**Let me know what you think :) Thank you for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

Hi.

I guess this was all to be expected really. People like Mickey and people like me aren't meant to be together.

Although, no. Fuck that. I don't believe that. We're like fucking Romeo and Juliet. And I don't mean in the soppy fucking love story way. I mean, the Gallaghers and the Milkoviches are _totally _two houses both alike in dignity (Wow. Who knew I was paying attention in English class?) And at the end of the day, if ever there were two people doomed to tragedy, it's me and Mickey.

Huh. I wonder what Shakespeare would say if he knew his classic play was actually about a gay wannabe soldier and his emotionally stunted lover?

I say stunted, but I think he was really just started to come out of himself lately. Excuse the great big pun. We were getting along so great before his dad came and ruined everything.

I really thought Mickey was going to kill Terry, but actually, Mickey has just turned into this weird kind of shell of himself. Not that I'm blaming him – of course I'm not. I mean, whenever I close my eyes all I can see is his bloodied up face and that woman and his dad standing over them with a cigarette in one hand and a gun in the other as if it was the most natural thing in the world to have someone rape your son right in front of you.

I think what's worse is that Mandy knows her dad beat Mickey up, but she still doesn't know _why_. She actually said, "does anyone need a reason to pistol-whip Mickey?" and I felt sick. If she just knew. About us, I mean. I think... I think she'd be okay with it. Especially when she knows what her dad did. After what he did to _her._

Fuck. Maybe _I_ should kill Terry. Anything to bring Mickey back to me. I can't imagine what he must be going through right now and he won't talk to me. Christ, he won't even _look_ at me.

It's like that song, Sunset by The XX. Have you heard it? Really the whole song, but the first two lines go like "I saw you again. It felt like we had never met. It's like the sun set in your eyes and never wanted to rise." It's like that. That's what we're like now.

I miss him. This is worse than when he was away. Because now he's within reach. I could actually reach out and touch him, except he's not really there and I can't. It's like... like he just sees through me.

Like the song says.

Ian


End file.
